Roland: Fight well... or die badly!When does a movie become so bad that it’s actually good?
That’s the question I had in my mind when watching Beowulf (1999). Because let me get this out of the way now, this movie is bad. The question is not whether it’s good or not. The question is whether the movie is so bad that it’s entertaining, or if it’s so bad it has no redeeming value.
Without a doubt in my mind, of all the movies I’ve reviewed thus far, Beowulf is the worst movie I’ve seen. The plot deviates so far from the source material that it’s unrecognizable. Flame-throwers? Check. Chainsaws? Check. Partial nudity? Check. Acting? Err… no so much.
While A Knight’s Tale plays with historical realism, Beowulf throws it completely to the wayside. The film adopts this odd steam-punk aesthetic. While this does make the movie look different, it makes no sense. For example, Hrothgar’s men wear helmets with no eye-slits. Why? The costume and set designs of the film make little to no sense. As a rule, men wear giant cod-pieces and women wear… well not much of anything at all.
However bad the sets and costumes may be, the acting is worse. It’s hard to tell which is actually worse, the acting or the dialogue. There are so many cringe-worthy lines that even the best of actors would have trouble selling them. The quote I opened with is by far one of my favourites, but they are many more where that came from.
Other groaners include:
Hrothgar: “What brings you here?”
Beowulf: “The darkness.”
Beowulf: “I’m Beowulf and I need some food and rest.”
Beowulf: “I’m not like other men.”
Will: “You know Carl, with all the cool ways to die around here, I'd rather not go by heart-attack.”
I could keep going, but I’ll spare you the pain.
Beowulf is played rather woodenly by Christopher Lambert who many of you may know from the Highlander series of movies. Lambert manages to succeed in being both wooden and overwrought at the same time. His Beowulf is a number of walking clichés. He spends the majority of the film glaring while talking in a gravely whisper. In short (Lambert, short, ha!), the movie’s lead is far from inspiring.
The women of Beowulf are no better. They were clearly not selected on the basis of their acting talents, but rather on the basis of their other ‘endowments.’ Layla Roberts (the star of such classics like Playboy Wet & Wild: Slippery When Wet and Baywatch) plays Grendel’s mother. She is a good example of the kind of ‘talent’ chosen for this film. Her scenes with King Hrothgar amount to little more than soft-core pornography. She has precisely two talents, neither of which is acting.
At the end of the day, I can’t find a single redeeming aspect of Beowulf. Yet I can’t bring myself to hate it. Even though the movie is complete and utter garbage, I’d still rather watch it than Beowulf and Grendel. Beowulf (1999) is the kind of movie where if you got enough friends together you could have fun with it.
It’s nearly bad enough to be funny, even if the humour is unintentional.
MSCU Rating: F
That’s the question I had in my mind when watching Beowulf (1999). Because let me get this out of the way now, this movie is bad. The question is not whether it’s good or not. The question is whether the movie is so bad that it’s entertaining, or if it’s so bad it has no redeeming value.
Without a doubt in my mind, of all the movies I’ve reviewed thus far, Beowulf is the worst movie I’ve seen. The plot deviates so far from the source material that it’s unrecognizable. Flame-throwers? Check. Chainsaws? Check. Partial nudity? Check. Acting? Err… no so much.
While A Knight’s Tale plays with historical realism, Beowulf throws it completely to the wayside. The film adopts this odd steam-punk aesthetic. While this does make the movie look different, it makes no sense. For example, Hrothgar’s men wear helmets with no eye-slits. Why? The costume and set designs of the film make little to no sense. As a rule, men wear giant cod-pieces and women wear… well not much of anything at all.
However bad the sets and costumes may be, the acting is worse. It’s hard to tell which is actually worse, the acting or the dialogue. There are so many cringe-worthy lines that even the best of actors would have trouble selling them. The quote I opened with is by far one of my favourites, but they are many more where that came from.
Other groaners include:
Hrothgar: “What brings you here?”
Beowulf: “The darkness.”
Beowulf: “I’m Beowulf and I need some food and rest.”
Beowulf: “I’m not like other men.”
Will: “You know Carl, with all the cool ways to die around here, I'd rather not go by heart-attack.”
I could keep going, but I’ll spare you the pain.
Beowulf is played rather woodenly by Christopher Lambert who many of you may know from the Highlander series of movies. Lambert manages to succeed in being both wooden and overwrought at the same time. His Beowulf is a number of walking clichés. He spends the majority of the film glaring while talking in a gravely whisper. In short (Lambert, short, ha!), the movie’s lead is far from inspiring.
The women of Beowulf are no better. They were clearly not selected on the basis of their acting talents, but rather on the basis of their other ‘endowments.’ Layla Roberts (the star of such classics like Playboy Wet & Wild: Slippery When Wet and Baywatch) plays Grendel’s mother. She is a good example of the kind of ‘talent’ chosen for this film. Her scenes with King Hrothgar amount to little more than soft-core pornography. She has precisely two talents, neither of which is acting.
At the end of the day, I can’t find a single redeeming aspect of Beowulf. Yet I can’t bring myself to hate it. Even though the movie is complete and utter garbage, I’d still rather watch it than Beowulf and Grendel. Beowulf (1999) is the kind of movie where if you got enough friends together you could have fun with it.
It’s nearly bad enough to be funny, even if the humour is unintentional.
MSCU Rating: F
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